Gasoline and the Happy Ayatollah

by on March 25th, 2007

I drive an Infiniti Q45…4.3 liter double overhead cam, fuel injected, 345 HP – humma humma! I can blow the doors off 96.47% of the cars on the road – and all the Harleys.

Why is it then that I get my doors blown off at every traffic light by Toyota Corollas, soccer moms in Suburbans & all those NASCAR nabob Marlboro Man wanna-bees in their jacked up Super Duty 8-wheel drive pick-em up trucks?

When the light goes green, it’s outboard motor boat off the line. Course, next block the light’s turning red, (it’s way too expensive to think about timing the traffic lights). So, soccer mom, Marlboro Man & I’m-late-for-work-secretary keep the pedal nailed to the last possible moment. Then it’s haul down on the binders & do a headstand on the front bumper. Anybody ever heard of coast?, glide?, float? Naw, that’s too complicated. Gotta be mashing down on some pedal-any pedal, all the time. I know this is rocket science, but if you’re burning more gas, you’re making more carbo-crappo, making asthmatics miserable & warming the planet. It’s particularly gratifying to see Ms. Ostentatious blasting by in her Hummer with the “Keep Tahoe Blue” sticker on her rear, er, bumper.

I get the kids. I was one once too, I think. When we first learned to drive-all the pedals, knobs & buttons, it was scary as hell going 5 miles an hour in the school parking lot with your dad. As we began to get the hang of it, we found we could go faster. Then we made that illogical connection every kid does-if I can go faster, I’m a better driver. Wrong, but kids are immature-stupid even. But that’s kids, that’s eternal, some will even survive. What’s your excuse, Jethro?

The real point to all of this is the above-titled ‘Ayatollah’. He’s just cackling away as the pumps churn & the cash registers ring. The more oil we burn, the more the Ayatollah Gimmee-the-Mola & his sheek sheiks can buy the one-off Bentleys, custom 747s & fund the terrorists. I don’t want to get too heavy, but we’re talking unpatriotic here. Aiding & abetting the enemy. Can it be the same populous that in the immediate aftermath of 911 displayed an American flag on any and everything, now be the same ones funding the fanatics? If a national movement got going to slow down us Boulevard Bogarts, & we went from leadfoot to lightfoot, what might we save? Would a 5 or 10% nationwide mileage improvement have any affect on the Sultans of Splendor? Hello-o-o-o-o??

Must I connect every dot? “We gotta freeze-not appease!” There’s no negotiating with nuts. You can’t lobby a lunatic. Dry up the pumps, shut off the dough, & they can go back to the other no-brainer under their feet. Their cultural pre-oil roots…sand farming. And they can pound it while they’re at it.

So, the next time the ersatz Dale Jr. blows by you, waive an American flag at him. Maybe the word will get around.

Jack Zoftig