What if Richard Wagner and Britney Spears had a baby?

by on August 10th, 2005

Wagner: the quintessential embodiment of Germanic nationalism.

Britney Spears: the quintessential embodiment of consumer pop allure.

A marriage. A house on a hill. Kiddies.

Inconceivable? Well, yes, as such a marriage must literally be a match made in heaven. But heaven is exactly where both personas reside; Oscillating up in the skies, with a sway on the destinies of men and the ebbs and tides of emotions.

Wagner’s restless soul dwelled on the towers of the Valhalla, the abode of the Nordic gods. Gods that became legendary through their heroic martyrdom. Gods worthy of patriots and nationalists.

Britney’s restless limbs contoured and dwelled in the heavens of young boys and girls, baptizing their abodes, a heaven of a thousand virgins, all tanned, bleached, and creamed up with sensational fruity odors.

Is one heaven inconsistent with the other? It is said music transcends space and time. So too may it be surmised, a possible tryst may be arranged between the enchanting paean “Oops I did it again”, and “Ride of the Valkyries”.

I have bolded the sentiments shared by both Wagner and Spears in this particular composition.


Oops!…I did it again

I played with your heart, got lost in the game

Oh baby, baby

Oops!…You think I’m in love

That I’m sent from aboveI’m not that innocent

You see my problem is this

I’m dreaming away

Wishing that heroes, they truly exist

I cry, watching the days

Can’t you see I’m a fool in so many ways

But to lose all my senses

That is just so typically me

Baby, oh


Combine the egg of those magical words with the magnificence of Richard Wagner’s essence, a bold new voice emerges: A nationalistic, martyr-worshipping, ruthless, innocence shunning, aimless, nymphomaniac. A voice of a baby that needs its diapers changed. Aww, cute.

It would produce a powerful zeitgeist, combining the sentiments of the old and the new, that would make the hit charts across the continents, for that is indeed the spirit of our times, our zeitgeist.

Oh my, what a prodigal baby that would be.

Indeed, the American way of consumerism has had quite an impact on the European Union. The continents of Europa and America have become so intertwined that separating them would cause massive deficits, and imbalance of power. The idea is inconceivable.

But where would this marriage take place? Who would be the best man?

It may take place in the Hague, or in the Bildgerberg Hotel. The best man could be Gerhard Schroeder with Tony Blair as a prominent guest. President Bush quite naturally would sanctify the oaths. “Thou shall not clone. Thou shall not mingle with homosexuals. Thou shall ignore the trade deficit. Thou shall not condone the Axis of Evil. Do thee take ye for man and wife?”

Mr. Putin would provide lively musical accompaniment, and the Beijing Opera would provide interpretative folk dancing, and the People’s Republic would furnish discounted designer wedding suit and gown, scrupulously crafted in the basement of a Hong Kong bazaar.

Ariel Sharon would keep the Paparazzi out.

Alan Greenspan and Dick Cheney would endorse and seal the marriage license with official stamps of approval.

Marriage between prominent, persuasive, and influential individuals have been quite trendy in the history of Civilization. Bankers married Barons, Emperors married princesses. In this era of globalization, where bankers are allowed to marry barbers, and emperors are shunned, a new kind of matrimony may be perceived: one of the old and the new, one of great influence and shrewdness.

“Everything there is to say has been said—and well said—about the tidal wave that is mingling the irreversible globalization of human activity with ever-faster scientific and technical progress. This worldwide process raises two crucial questions: How can people, and in the first place governments, maintain the necessary control over these changes? And, how can our societies keep pace with the precipitous course of change without damage to themselves? Every political leader is obliged to act to keep the pace and scale of this process under control, so that our peoples may reap its full benefits.”

~ Jacques Chirac (1932-)

president of France 1995-, Mitterand’s rival & successor, Gaullist conservative

from Reception for Ambassadors, at the Elysée Palace, 26, August 1999

The only reason a great many American families don’t own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments. ~Mad Magazine

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.~b>Homer.

Alexander Rai